A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was plagued by local kids who would sneak into his patch at night and steal watermelons.

A city slicker came upon two country folk balancing a long piece of lumber vertically on the ground, while a third fellow with a measuring tape climbed up on the lumber.

The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.”

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

Middle age is when you go to the doctor and you realize you know have to pay someone to look at you naked.

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.