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What Doctors Really Mean

“This should be taken care of right away.”
Translation: I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable I want to fix it before it clears up on its own.

“Let me check your medical history.”
Translation: I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
Translation: I have a tee-time in fifteen minutes –or– I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
Translation: The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
Translation: I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“This may smart a little.”
Translation: Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
Translation: I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
Translation: You’re as crazy as a loon. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
Translation: I have no clue what’s wrong. I need time to go home and search WebMD.com.

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