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Random Ponderings

Steven Wright

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do? Write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

Clones are people two.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

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