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They Said It

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
-Dave Barry

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.
-Elayne Boosler

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know how I lost it. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t think I ever had it. But I’ve seen the boss’s job and I don’t want it.
-Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
–William Coronel

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
–Jerry Seinfeld

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
–Warren Hutcherson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
–Lily Tomlin

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
–Paul Rodriguez

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
–Marsha Warfield

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, I’d like some fries. The girl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that?
–Jay Leno

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
–Dave Edison

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
–George Gobel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
–Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot… and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
–Mark Twain

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, You’ll never find anyone like me again! I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
–Larry Miller

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
–Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. I sent the pictures to her dad.
–Christopher Case

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
–Paula Poundstone

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they seem okay, then it’s you.
–Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
–Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
–Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
–Lily Tomlin

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
–Roger Simon

Golf — a good walk spoiled.
–Mark Twain

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