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You Must Not Be a Redneck if…

  • You think barbecue is a verb meaning, “to cook outside.”
  • You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
  • You don’t have any problem pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce.”
  • For breakfast, you prefer potato au gratin to grits.
  • You don’t know what a moon pie is.
  • You’ve never had RC cola.
  • You’ve never eaten okra fried or boiled.
  • You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
  • You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
  • You have no idea what a polecat is.
  • You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
  • You don’t have bangs.
  • You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
  • More than 2 generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
  • You’d rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
  • Instead of referring to 2 or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
  • You don’t think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
  • You’ve never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
  • You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
  • You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 around the house.
  • The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.
  • You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
  • The farthest south you’ve been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
  • You call binoculars opera glasses.
  • You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over.
  • You’d never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
  • You don’t know what applique is.
  • You don’t know anyone with 2 first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
  • You don’t have doilies, and you don’t know how to make one.
  • You’ve never been to a craft show.
  • You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
  • You can do your laundry without quarters.
  • None of your fur coats are homemade.

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