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Hallmark Card Rejects

I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
that you’re not here to ruin it for me.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though,
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.

For every year that goes by, Mother, I just
think of that inheritance getting closer and closer…

I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.

They say that an attractive human body is worth a million
dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly self.

When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

The holidays are a great time to be with family.
Of course, your family won’t be with you,
since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister.

We have been friends for a very long time,
let’s say we call it quits.

I’m so miserable without you,
it’s almost like you’re here.

If you ever need a friend…
buy a dog.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

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